Mel's Own Place

A collection of email funnies. Full Moon! Things you'd love to say at work, but can't! 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 5. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 6. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 7. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth. 8. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 10. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 11. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 12. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 13. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 14. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 15. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 16. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 17. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 18. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks 19. If I throw a stick, will you leave? How many black dots? How many legs does the elephant have? Are the horizontal lines straight or slanted? Solve the puzzles by saying them outloud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer. For example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place), Answer: Los Angeles. 1) SHOCK CUSSED TOE (a person) 2) SAND TACKLE LAWS (a fictional character) 3) MY GULCH HOARD UN (a person) 4) MOW BEAD HICK (a book) 5) TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (a person) 6) CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (a product) 7) THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (a thing) 8) AISLE OH VIEW (a phrase) 9) TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (old tv show) 10) CARESS TROUGHER CLIMP US (a person) 11) DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (a person) 12) THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (a place) 13) AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (a fictional character) 14) THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (a movie) Drunk Pumpkin How to Have Fun with Telemarketers 1. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" 8. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 9. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. 10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. 11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 12. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some Diet Coke. 14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 15. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." 19. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.